I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for a child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed them.
I count myself blessed in this sense, that God has given me this insight, this special vision which I will look upon my child in a way that other mothers don't. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbour, friend and sister because I have known pain. Real pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell in a way that many never face. Yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of others eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes when walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
And I will be a wonderful mother.