Adoption Etiquette... a bit of a vent

Now we have been approved to adopt our baby girl from China – we have been telling more people than we ever have before, and I have to say I’m surprised and occasionally shocked at people’s responses. Most are meant with good intention, or curiosity, but some are hurtful – and down right rude! So I thought I would put something together on ‘Adoption Etiquette.’ Please note: these are just my thoughts and feelings having been on the end of many of these questions.

Question: “How much will your baby cost?”
My thoughts: No-one asked us this when we were doing IVF, and our bill from that little exercise will be comparable to the costs associated with the services provided to us to be able to adopt a baby from China. Contrary to popular belief – we are not buying a baby.. We pay for the services provided to us by DoCS, NSW Police Department, Lawyers, Department of Foreign Affairs, Chinese Consulate, and to the Chinese Centre for Adoption Affairs, and travel and accommodation expenses.

Question: “Don’t you want your own baby?”
My thoughts: This does tend to infer our daughter won’t be our own. Our daughter will be our own baby. She won’t be anyone else’s.

Question: “Can’t you have children?”
My thoughts: This is just plain rude.

Question: “Why a Chinese baby, why not an Australian baby.”
My thoughts: Not always, but sometimes I feel there is an implication in the question that people think an 'Australian' (read Caucasion) baby would be preferable. This question is also somewhat intrusive – I have never asked you about your family making decisions. There are many reasons we have chosen to adopt from China. Adopting from China was a good fit for our family. Full Stop.

Question: “What happened to her real parents?”
My thoughts: It implies that Shane and I will not be real parents. What is the opposite of real? Fake. I don’t think we will fake it. Shane and I will change nappies, feed, bath, play, love, educate, cuddle and enjoy our daughter. Not sure how much more real we could get.

Comment: “Now you’re adopting I bet you’ll fall pregnant.”
My thoughts: This one really irks me! There are four reasons I detest this comment (1) we are not adopting to fall pregnant. We are adopting to have a baby. (2) when people say this – they are implying that adoption is second best. For us it is the perfect way to form a family. (3) It detracts from our beautiful baby girl – who is a child in her own right. (4) This throws back to me a memory of years of trying to fall pregnant, years of IVF, ectopic pregnancy, pain and hurt. You have no idea what I can and cannot physically do in terms of pregnancy – so don’t assume.

Comment: “I can’t understand how any parent could abandon their child – what a terrible thing to do.”
My thoughts: The birth parents of my daughter will be very, very precious to us, and will remain a part of our family always. They gave us our daughter. We have no right to judge a mother and father who live in a political regime that we have very little understanding of, and no experience of. I am sure what they did, and what my daughter’s birth mother did was the absolute hardest, terrifying, saddest and yet bravest thing she has ever done. I will be eternally thankful that she left my child somewhere that she was found and looked after, and eventually made her way to us. Her birth parents will always be a part of our life.

Comment: “You are doing such a wonderful thing, providing a home to a child in need.”
My thoughts: This is not a charity venture for us. We want to be parents, we want to have children… just like you do. We are the ones who will be the luckiest Mum and Dad in the world.

OK I feel better now.